you do not know how hard it is sometimes to leave. i did though, and got on, and paced back and forth on the wrong side of a door i could not open. 11 minutes late. i turned the handle and lightly pushed, but i could not get in. they noticed though. someone pushed the handle back to horizontal. i turned. 11.
minutes. walking.
queer. are you a boy or a girl. late. laughter. and suddenly i remember why it had been so hard to go to school.boys.
will be boys (surrounding) girls.
will be girls.
whispering
what am i?
(i hate my shadow. legs too skinny. this jacket too boxy. they always forget the long, tall and flat-chested.)
i made it back to the bus stop. how humiliating these past couple of weeks have been. but i've been breathing fine. until i saw them again. lingering in the doorway of McDonald's I turned around and ran back to where i had originally intended to go. i had just dealt with what they were advocating for.
i wonder if anyone had been watching: the pace of an undecided. the grimace to hold back tears. the balled fists. what had stopped me? i made it that far. i left, got on, and paced back and forth on the wrong side of a door that would not open. 11 min late. 7 dollars short.
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