and suddenly I remembered why
we are

U and I.

never a U and S

without a space, we will always be seperate.

I remember the first day.

I was not enough, and You were too much.

and when I tried to turn away. You stabbed, twisted,  justified

I had hoped to never hear from you again. 

We did not, could not hear

voices too loud, drowning out reason.

a disaster every time

the only one to have no one to share popcorn with.

I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.It was impossible for me to separate her, in the past or in the present, from the innermost life of my life. I, trembling in spirit and worshipping the very hem of her dress; she, quite composed and most decidedly not worshipping the hem of mine.The air of completeness and superiority with which she walked at my side, and the air of youthfulness and submission with which I walked at hers, made a contrast that I strongly felt.I verily believe that her not remembering and not minding in the least, made me cry again, inwardly – and that is the sharpest crying of all.

--charles dickens

with all intentions leaning toward...recluse

you do not know how hard it is sometimes to leave. i did though, and got on, and paced back and forth on the wrong side of a door i could not open. 11 minutes late. i turned the handle and lightly pushed, but i could not get in. they noticed though. someone pushed the handle back to horizontal. i turned. 11.
minutes.  walking.

queer. are you a boy or a girl. late. laughter. and suddenly i remember why it had been so hard to go to school.boys.

will be boys (surrounding) girls.
will be girls.
whispering
what am i?

(i hate my shadow. legs too skinny. this jacket too boxy. they always forget the long, tall and flat-chested.)

i made it back to the bus stop. how humiliating these past couple of weeks have been. but i've been breathing fine. until i saw them again. lingering in the doorway of McDonald's  I turned around and ran back to where i had originally intended to go. i had just dealt with what they were advocating for.

i wonder if anyone had been watching: the pace of an undecided. the grimace to hold back tears. the balled fists. what had stopped me? i made it that far. i left, got on, and paced back and forth on the wrong side of a door that would not open. 11 min late. 7 dollars short.

menthol j daniels.

Elia turned to the right. A man in red stood before her, staring, so intently into her eyes She could not breath.

cup throwback swallow blink

She knew what he wanted:
to buy Me
another.
why? i don't even know you.
but know, She did not stick around. One must be honest in these sorts of situations. One might get the wrong idea.

She ran away to dance and met menthol j daniels. who dabbles on guitar and accordian. he liked her. her friends told them: we're going to leave. he followed them across the street, then ran to find a pen. and came back. and called. then text
ed.
" and now he wants to hang out. even though we told him i was a lesbian. but i dont even know if i am. all i know is that i havent met the one that i want. i havent met the one that i can see myself waking up next to".

blink swallow eye-roll

flashback on a moonless night:
a smile for a drink. a kiss for a cigarette.
.

Perform(her)

let me
stand up before you
let me, let you
judge

bare my all before you
and have you: still

in a perfect world: i would

have a door
a lock and key

to never let this happen again.

I hate going shopping for clothes.

 Especially at the mall.

the words are at the tip of my tongue,
not my fingers
how long will i keep sitting back and..looking up and.. breathing deep.. and
trying to ignore
this....
I am stuck at the point

I keep thinking about words. and their definitions. and how others view these words and their definitions. and how all these words and definitions affect my life, their life his her it x z i
11:11
wish: for my voice to match my appearance.

two  roads diverged in a yellow wood.

 And sorry, I could not travel both and be one traveler, long I stood. And looked down one as far as I could, to where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, just as fair, and having perhaps the better claim, because it was grassy and wanted wear; though, as for that the passing there, had worn them really about the same. 

And both, that morning equally lay in leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood,

and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost (1874–1963).  Mountain Interval.  1920

the need.

to want to:
keep on keeping on.

I've been having this crazy feeling. every morning i wake up and i think: This Is It. but then i realize, it's just a joke. ha! got you again.

possess ion : this Life wants me to keep on keeping and taking.

get by.

because

be cause

be

cause

4. God: is a mind-fuck.

1. every day i make a conscious decision that i will go about my day in either heaven or hell. 

2. dust to dust. my ashes will be spread by an oak tree. 

3. i am positive, i receive positivity.

repeat. re peat. REPEAT.

but, i've been having this crazy feeling. every morning i wake up and i think: This Is It. but then i realize, it's not a joke. i'm not dead.