to be

apart. 
to be 
a part 
of. 
avoid. 
to be. 
a void. 
a space.
between. 
u&s. 
us.

by the time

it took for you one
i had t(w)o
go.

Shyness

 is a kink in the soul, a special category, a dimension that opens out into solitude.  Moreover, it is an inherent suffering, as if we had two epidermises and the one underneath rebelled and shrank back from life.  Of the things that make up a man, this quality, this damaging thing, is a part of the alloy that lays the foundation, in the long run, for the perpetuity of the self.

                       

--Pablo Neruda, Memoirs

"In my dreams, I was. I was drifting away.  Away from what? Here. And, all that I am, and all that I have. See, it's No Thing. No Thing at all.  An... Idea. ... with Standards too tall.. .and when I reach up.. .. I graze. 

Rock.

andthenirockedbackandforthjustlikeababy.shallwerockbackandforthjustlikeababy?yescanwerockbackandforthjustlikeababy.justlikeababyjustlikeababy. 

Just Like A Baby.

I've lost the urge t(o)o

defend, mend 

this bread

must be eaten

the dogs are hungry and if we do not

they will

and One

can not  live with that

regret

danced away love danced away hope danced away..." 

Wake up   (snapping of fingers. a man sits. in a chair. wooden arm rests, legs.  green vinyl.)

How did I let This get so far? Am I just a pawn? For You I faded  int(w)o the back on the promise that I just  might make it. And when the answer Was no, I was forced to do this. And then you say, don't you trust me? No, no I don't.   But Who is One, Who is I, Who is You, Who is Me, Who is. Who is


We 
are all fucked, fucking and falling for
same sad songs
real eyes peering, kneading, molding a heart int(w)o
a perfect plaything
knot-being.


and those tears
mask
irresponsibility
a funny game
the femme fatale plays

but then she smiles


when You're angry, and her grin 
is the barring of  goddamned teeth.

action easily mis taken:

on the quest to find another like-minded,

we were t(w)oo 

eager 

and every interaction 

turned 

int(w)o 

some thing more than.

something. some thing.

on, still.

suddenly, I was overcome with incredible... fear. how does one... how does one NOT completely retreat
inside themselves?

The trick is to do everything, Everything, with complete  absoluteness. You must believe that every step You take, every word You speak, every day is Correct.
if You do that, even when You are making mistakes people will think You're just different and cool, and will carry on as normal. Actually, they'll probably just become a little self-conscious.

and is that the start? becoming: self-conscious?

is that the start?
becoming aware of self?

and suddenly I remembered why
we are

U and I.

never a U and S

without a space, we will always be seperate.

I remember the first day.

I was not enough, and You were too much.

and when I tried to turn away. You stabbed, twisted,  justified

I had hoped to never hear from you again. 

We did not, could not hear

voices too loud, drowning out reason.

a disaster every time

the only one to have no one to share popcorn with.

I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.It was impossible for me to separate her, in the past or in the present, from the innermost life of my life. I, trembling in spirit and worshipping the very hem of her dress; she, quite composed and most decidedly not worshipping the hem of mine.The air of completeness and superiority with which she walked at my side, and the air of youthfulness and submission with which I walked at hers, made a contrast that I strongly felt.I verily believe that her not remembering and not minding in the least, made me cry again, inwardly – and that is the sharpest crying of all.

--charles dickens

with all intentions leaning toward...recluse

you do not know how hard it is sometimes to leave. i did though, and got on, and paced back and forth on the wrong side of a door i could not open. 11 minutes late. i turned the handle and lightly pushed, but i could not get in. they noticed though. someone pushed the handle back to horizontal. i turned. 11.
minutes.  walking.

queer. are you a boy or a girl. late. laughter. and suddenly i remember why it had been so hard to go to school.boys.

will be boys (surrounding) girls.
will be girls.
whispering
what am i?

(i hate my shadow. legs too skinny. this jacket too boxy. they always forget the long, tall and flat-chested.)

i made it back to the bus stop. how humiliating these past couple of weeks have been. but i've been breathing fine. until i saw them again. lingering in the doorway of McDonald's  I turned around and ran back to where i had originally intended to go. i had just dealt with what they were advocating for.

i wonder if anyone had been watching: the pace of an undecided. the grimace to hold back tears. the balled fists. what had stopped me? i made it that far. i left, got on, and paced back and forth on the wrong side of a door that would not open. 11 min late. 7 dollars short.

menthol j daniels.

Elia turned to the right. A man in red stood before her, staring, so intently into her eyes She could not breath.

cup throwback swallow blink

She knew what he wanted:
to buy Me
another.
why? i don't even know you.
but know, She did not stick around. One must be honest in these sorts of situations. One might get the wrong idea.

She ran away to dance and met menthol j daniels. who dabbles on guitar and accordian. he liked her. her friends told them: we're going to leave. he followed them across the street, then ran to find a pen. and came back. and called. then text
ed.
" and now he wants to hang out. even though we told him i was a lesbian. but i dont even know if i am. all i know is that i havent met the one that i want. i havent met the one that i can see myself waking up next to".

blink swallow eye-roll

flashback on a moonless night:
a smile for a drink. a kiss for a cigarette.
.

Perform(her)

let me
stand up before you
let me, let you
judge

bare my all before you
and have you: still

in a perfect world: i would

have a door
a lock and key

to never let this happen again.

I hate going shopping for clothes.

 Especially at the mall.

the words are at the tip of my tongue,
not my fingers
how long will i keep sitting back and..looking up and.. breathing deep.. and
trying to ignore
this....
I am stuck at the point

I keep thinking about words. and their definitions. and how others view these words and their definitions. and how all these words and definitions affect my life, their life his her it x z i
11:11
wish: for my voice to match my appearance.

two  roads diverged in a yellow wood.

 And sorry, I could not travel both and be one traveler, long I stood. And looked down one as far as I could, to where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, just as fair, and having perhaps the better claim, because it was grassy and wanted wear; though, as for that the passing there, had worn them really about the same. 

And both, that morning equally lay in leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood,

and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost (1874–1963).  Mountain Interval.  1920

the need.

to want to:
keep on keeping on.

I've been having this crazy feeling. every morning i wake up and i think: This Is It. but then i realize, it's just a joke. ha! got you again.

possess ion : this Life wants me to keep on keeping and taking.

get by.

because

be cause

be

cause

4. God: is a mind-fuck.

1. every day i make a conscious decision that i will go about my day in either heaven or hell. 

2. dust to dust. my ashes will be spread by an oak tree. 

3. i am positive, i receive positivity.

repeat. re peat. REPEAT.

but, i've been having this crazy feeling. every morning i wake up and i think: This Is It. but then i realize, it's not a joke. i'm not dead.

and of all that i gave

to you: my eyes

is it better(?) still that i can not
look at you

i fear that even if i was to/want to
take them back

they would not fit.

how long will I stay

one step below, behind?

I slides

my eyes sideways

and whispers:

"Try to find an easy way to step across a cliff".

but I saw mySelf falling

down.Down

there was no stepping, stone, or highway.

I closed

my eyes and

willed mySelf to try another way of
seeing.

the wind, I hears.

 but you? how could I not

reach to open.  but then I paused and thought:

again??

i started down thirteen

black. white

black. white.

an awkward stare to the right

STOP:

• fingers holding. crooked one, two
• lips sucking, blowing

and with a flick I was put out.
to bounce in air, around

never to touch

ground

dust to dust.

reading Dante's Inferno

i


...lost the urge, too.
(defend, mend)
this broken bread must be eaten.
the dogs are hungry and if we do not,
they will. and who wants to? live 
(with regret)
NO! hurry on and down.
dont look back 
twice he can turn you. 
frozen salt and ice 
burns.
forget those who sing such pretty lulla
LIEs
at night. say goodBIEs 
with the closing of 
eyes, how long? can one fight to...
(stay, awake)

love: an opportunity continuously missed)

you use age to
seperate so similar

lives

lose

the familiar

run!  freeze

feeling

look past 

figments of

 imagination underneath these things,

I AM.

come: take a chance at...

you 

are: walking past -fast.

a gray sky overcast,

brightens

at chanced glance

in a crowded mass

a gray sky overcast,

brightened.

at a chanced glance

past:

smoke, glass,  mirrors.

3.2.10/5.11.10

i want so much to

believe.

so i take off my clothes, look into mirror and
reach out to touch
someone i do not know.


when i was 6 i was reaching up
and i swear that i would fly.
until they turned around they said get your head out
of the clouds and your feet back on
the ground
i grew taller.
and my skin clearer.
but not my sight
these eyes still smell
fear.
in everyone and in everything around.

expose d

 nicely tied up

by old shoe strings 

left out 

to dry after

a rainy 

night you tried

to cut me

down

im not quite sure

what happened?
im not quite sure.. but they said it
would and they unknown always seem to know.

ive been having troubles.

this is for A

look back into rear view mirror  and with a slight shake of the head:

one cannot quickly displace the sight of an 

odd old black woman 

dressed in red 

with yellow flowers in her hair  

a white sheet from someones laundry 

tied around her neck  and it was

billowing,

she only comes out when its nice to parade up and down her catwalk: 

holton  street.  

she was a sigh

she was a sight

to see

deer friend caught in  the headlights of passing cars,

i am you and you are me

loo king 

for answers in the dark

and when

you bend over to retrieve what you thought you have lost

you realize

you're getting older and your head's not with your heart.

see, I'm disconnected to some years ago. back when we were just. 

fifteen years old. getting picked up and getting kicked out. 

 can you take me home.

take me home.

look back into rear view mirror  and with a slight shake of the head: one cannot quickly displace the sight of an odd old black woman 

dressed in red with yellow flowers in her hair  a white sheet from someones laundry tied around her neck  and it was billowing, she only comes out when its nice to parade up and down her catwalk: holton  street.  

she was a sigh

he was a sight

you were a sigh 

we are a sight

to see